I will be lighting my menorah and plugging in the tree this year with a new family member. Both of us believe in low stress holidays.  Not everyone observes family events in the same way; some do nothing at all. My parents had long decided religion was merely a guide for others and they decidedly lived by the principle of “We’re not going to know who’s right until we’re dead, so in the interim be a good person.” Not a shabby way to look at it, if you ask me.

As I work this week on two family celebrations, it reminds me of some guidelines that help keep us all sane and guilt-free:

1.  Traditions — keep what you like, ditch what you don’t. Love the desserts your grandmother used to make, but hate spending time in the kitchen? Call Trader Joe’s, work with a caterer or give a recipe to your best friend who loves to cook. Sure it may not be the gourmet way, but it’s another way to make it work for your family.  The world will not end.

2.  Fake it till you make it.  For some folks real Christmas trees can be expensive, if you think you want to make the switch to a fake one, see if someone you know has one you can borrow. There’s nothing written in any religious doctrine that says fake trees are sinful.  If you hate it, you can always go back to the real one next year.

3. Who says you have to eat at home? Discuss the option of eating at another family member’s home or a friend’s house from time to time. Even a local restaurant or a vacation spot might be fun during the holidays for a change of pace.  You might be surprised at what resorts do for holidays and it might even be considered “off season” for some places.

4. What changes can be made to a holiday so it’s more festive and less frustrating? Notice how I did not say how will “you” change it? Holiday celebrations are meant to be family celebrations, so it should not depend on one single person to “make” the holiday special.

5. Will anything change this year for your family? Are there changes to be considered but the only thing in the way is not knowing how well they would go over with everyone else? Are there changes that have already been made in the way your family observes holidays you would like to share with others? Do tell.

Tradition should always include a little room for change.

Asta Beusch brought us all a lot of laughs and love.

She was a reflection of you and her spirit will be here, always.

My heart hurts for you. If I were closer, I’d hug you all very tight.

Love,

p

One in a series.

Some pitfalls to avoid when writing an obituary.

Make it accurate, make it lively. One pitfall is making the obituary more about the people writing the obituary, rather than about the deceased. Another pitfall is making the obituary more about the death and funeral, rather than about the life. Still another is using clichés.

Do not make the obituary about the people writing it. Do not start off with “It is with sadness that the family announces…”  Another said, “With deep feeling of sorrow, we said goodbye to our dearly loved…” I have even read (and wondered what the family was thinking): “With mixed emotions,  we announce the peaceful passing of our mother…” Instead, make the obituary about the deceased, and the life they lived.

In the same way, think about life, rather than just the death and the immediate arrangements. For example, often the people who helped out in the final stages of life, and at the funeral, are thanked in the obituary. This is fine as far as it goes, but what about the people who helped out during the lifetime? Again, an excellent way to resolve these issues is to get more information from people before they die. Perhaps they would have wanted to thank those who made the food at the reception after the funeral, but they might also have wanted to thank that mentor at work, that friend, or that great Grade 5 teacher.

Avoid the pitfall of using clichés. The obituary you write does not have to sound like all the others. Just as résumés should not be filled with “I,” there are expressions to avoid in obituaries. For example, instead of asking people to make a memorial donation, I have read obituaries that asked people as well to buy a friend a flower, fill out an organ donation card, or do a good deed.

Tips to Avoiding Pitfalls

• Do not start with “the family regrets to announce…”   Instead, start with the deceased’s name and make the obituary about them.

• Do not reference the deceased back to the obituary author(s).  For example, avoid saying “Mom” or “Dad.” Instead write about the deceased in the third person, as an individual.

• Do not say “after a courageous struggle…”   Think about other ways to say this that do not sound like a cliché. Honor the deceased’s fight with their illness by describing it accurately and sensitively. How did they themselves describe this period of their life?

• Do not exclude the life.  Describe more than just the final period of life and the death. Do not just thank those who helped with the care during the illness and dying and (if written afterwards) to those who helped at the funeral. Instead think of thanking those who helped out during the lifetime.

• Do not use abbreviations that could be unfamiliar.

• Do not say “in lieu of flowers…”   Instead simply state your requests for memorial donations. As well, consider more creative ways.

• Do not forget to proofread, and proofread again.

The memorial service at St. Monica Catholic Community held yesterday afternoon was the most beautiful I have ever witnessed. There are no words to describe the catastrophic impact this tragedy has on Scott and Jean’s family. They are a clan of compassionate, loving, lively souls and, somehow, Monsignor Lloyd Torgerson did find the perfect words and stories to ease the pain, if only temporarily. The pastor was visibly distraught as he, too, was a close friend of the couple.

William Congreve said, Music hath charms to soothe a savage breast. It is true. The musical selections made between the family and Ed Archer, St. Monica’s musical director, along with the performances themselves — supported by a transfixed congregation of over 500 – brought tears, joy and chills to me; all at once if that is even possible. On Eagle’s Wings, an original composition, Hallelujah, The Servant Song, Mass of Creation, Echo Our Father, Ubi Caritas, Hosea, Smile/Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Saints of God and Make Me a Channel of Your Peace were sung and performed with such perfection and beauty that my ears made my brain forget for a moment why I was there.

The God that Jean and Scott believe in will surely recognize the love, heart and enthusiasm they put forth in everything they did and in this end the same love, heart and strength has surely lifted them high.