STAY.

  • tribute for the living

    Stay. That’s what we want when we’ve lost a loved one. We want them to STAY. If only for a minute, an hour. To feel again their embrace. To kiss their cheek. To listen to one more word of love, or kindness, or wisdom, or humor. Just, stay… and we have to decide what to do with our grief.

    And the pain. Even over the years when it stabs us afresh and reminds us anew of what we have lost. The day comes when we think we are past it and then we read or see something and suddenly are assaulted by a memory and it is as if we are back in that moment, when we lost the one we loved.

    And so we gather at important moments, not only in tribute to grandparents or parents or children or sisters or brothers or spouses or friends but also to figure out what to do with the grief that never fully goes away. So what do we do?

    We listen to beautiful music. To gentle sounds. We recite prayers and still, we do not always know what to do.

    Become that which you have lost.

    For some of us we mourn someone who never gave the love that we wanted and so it is our task in this world to give that love that we did not receive to someone else so that the legacy of love not given will be love given. For others it is all the love that we did receive; all the goodness, all the kindness, all the wisdom, all the help. And we know that only way to honor the memory of the person that we have lost is to give that to someone else to become what we have lost because the measure of our loss is the measure of our blessing. There is no grief without there first being a blessing.

    And there is no sadness without a previous richness. And so it is our task to use our grief as a springboard. Our sadness is a stage and our grief a beginning because we know that sooner or later we will be there, too. None of us will live forever and the question won’t be to what degree or depth of pain did we feel for those that are lost, it will be to what did we evolve; and what goodness and kindness did we express to those who are still here?

    So if you have gathered to pay tribute; remember to embrace the recollection of someone or many whom you have lost, don’t neglect to pay them the greatest tribute which is to be the kind of person of whom they would be proud.

    - as delivered by Rabbi Wolpe and listened to by me at this morning’s Kever Avot services, Mt. Sinai Memorial Park, Hollywood Hills

  • OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

    Mother’s Day, Sunday 8:50 a.m. — I raced up Van Nuys Boulevard; death grip on the steering wheel “willing” every light to remain green. The southbound Pacific Surf-liner leaves at 9:04 a.m. and my morning lallygagging has now forced me to pray that someone at the little Amtrak station plants his or her body in front of the conductor and monster of a train begging for them to wait just one more minute before it choo-choos off to San Diego.

    Then I got to thinking about just one more minute and how a seemingly nothing amount of time can often be a critical moment.  So, for giggles I started a list. 60 seconds makes a world of difference when:

    . caramelizing sugar
    . a light signal changes from green to yellow to red
    . kissing
    . holding your breath
    . preparing soft cooked eggs
    . speaking in front of a heckling audience
    . trying to come up with Jeopardy’s final question
    . betting on the Kentucky Derby… heck any race
    . boiling milk (notice I’m in the kitchen a lot here?)
    . delivering a pregnant pause
    . holding someone’s feet to the fire (figuratively speaking!)
    . paying cell phone charges
    . listening to a beating heart

    So? What else? Leave a comment below and help grow the list.

    (Oh, my prayer was answered — we caught our train. The conductor actually waited and yelled out, “Just one more minute!”)

  • family reunion planning tips

    Quite often it is at a Celebration of Life that families lament not having planned any family gatherings sooner.

    So why not start planning one now?

    The Mad Hatter in Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking-Glass chooses to celebrate every day! You can think about planning a family celebration now… just because.

    Planning your family celebration can seem to be a formidable task when you consider all the variables and conflicting needs that demand your attention. The logistics of the planning involve bringing distant family members together, each with unique needs, budgets, time constraints, and contributions to the family dynamic.  The rewards of your celebration can be felt for generations in your family, so don’t let these points drive you away from hosting an event. Here are some thoughts of ours, as seen from the perspective of professional planners, that might help you in your planning.

    - First and most importantly, appoint someone in the family as chairman, benevolent dictator, or in the case of a fiscally secure sponsor, as a patron to be a point person and make decisions.   Events seldom materialize out of committee.  The designated celebration leader should be someone with understanding of the family dynamics, and possess the time, patience, and tact to arrange the details.   If you are fortunate enough to have a patron or even a partial sponsor, you will eliminate some of the family’s exclusion due to budget limits and simultaneously diminish the family dynamic of comparative wealth analysis between reunion attendees.

    (more…)

© 2011 Ever After Celebrations
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